Dark chocolate walnut banana nut muffins

I really love to bake, so even with the craziness of having a fairly new baby, I made a little time this past weekend to whip up some muffins for breakfast.

My mom actually made a version of these based on this recipe when I was visiting her, and I mostly wanted to recreate them, but I kicked them up a notch by adding Ghirardelli dark chocolate chips and walnuts (both of which I bought HUGE bags of from Sam’s Club with the intention of making cookies for my OB’s office and the nurses at the hospital — haven’t done that yet, and six weeks in, hate to say it, but it’s probably not going to happen).

So here’s my recipe for these (seriously delicious) muffins, adapted from the recipe linked above:

Dark chocolate walnut banana nut muffins

Makes: 12-18 muffins

Ingredients:

3 very ripe bananas, peeled

1/3 cup melted butter

1/2 cup of sugar (you could probably substitute honey)

1 egg, beaten

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp baking soda

Pinch of salt

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup walnuts, chopped

1/2 cup dark chocolate chips, chopped

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 F. Mash bananas in a large mixing bowl. Add butter, sugar, egg, vanilla extract, baking soda and salt and mix well. Slowly mix in flour, then mix in walnuts and chocolate chips. Scoop into lined muffin tins, filling each about 2/3 of the way. Bake for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted into center of muffin comes out clean.

On enjoying maternity leave

One of my biggest anxieties early in this postpartum period was how I would manage 12 weeks of maternity leave. When I went down to visit my mom, I literally cried on the phone to Bobby about how I should have only requested six weeks. I wanted to call S’s day care and see if they could start him earlier. I thought about dialing up the HR office at work and having them change my return date.

Now I’m glad I didn’t do that.

Like I said in my last post, having a newborn is hard work. But I’m honestly learning to have fun on my maternity leave, too. My list of personal maternity leave commandments (and a short explanation of each) is below.

Baby nap time = Me time

I know most folks say to sleep when the baby sleeps, and I do sleep or rest when I feel like I need it. But mostly I’ve implemented a rule that I will do something I enjoy while the baby naps. I also, with few exceptions, will not do any sort of housework while he sleeps (unless, like yesterday, I desperately need to wash bottles). And the other part of this “rule” is that I will not feel guilty about it. On my maternity leave with N, I felt so pressured to do everything perfectly, and that if I wasn’t cleaning and cooking I wasn’t doing my job. I’m taking it easier this time, and I’m much less stressed.

Baby awake time = Chore time

Admittedly, I spend a good amount of time feeding and holding the baby, but he also is usually pretty content to chill in the Mamaroo or Rock and Play for 20-30 minutes of his awake time after his bottle. I try to come up with one or two tasks that I want to get done around the house every day, and I focus on those while he’s awake and content. Yesterday, my task was to wash and change out all the bedclothes (in Bobby’s and my bedroom, on N’s bed and in S’s crib). This was a fairly small job, but it was so nice getting into bed with clean sheets last night, and Bobby commented on how much he appreciated it. Breaking the housework up into more manageable pieces helps me feel like I’m accomplishing something without feeling overwhelmed.

Get out of the house

With the exception of Tuesday, which was just a pretty horrendous day after not getting much sleep Monday night, S and I have gotten out of the house for a little while every day this week. Wednesday and yesterday, we took lunch to Bobby at work and did some shopping afterward. Last time I was so anxious about taking N out of the house by myself, but this time I am embracing it, and it’s much less depressing and tiring than sitting around the house all day. It’s actually pretty fun, because I have time to do some things that I normally wouldn’t while I am working.

Connect with friends

I’m making an effort to maintain friendships rather than putting them on hold until the baby’s older/sleeping better/is in day care/etc. This also helps sometimes with getting out of the house, like yesterday when S and I went to visit our friend Natalie and her two daughters at their house. It was fun and fairly stress-free, and spending time with a friend made me feel happier.

Get back to ‘normal’ life

I told Bobby a few weeks ago that even though it might be difficult, I really wanted us to get back to our ‘normal’ routine as quickly as possible. Obviously it’s going to change somewhat with the addition of a new, very small and needy family member, but it allows us both to have time away from the kids, time with our friends and time to do things we enjoy. On Thursday, Bobby hung out with some guys from our church group while I stayed home with the boys. Today (Saturday) during N’s nap time, I’m planning to have a few hours to myself (probably going to go get a pedicure!).

 

These are just things I’ve found helpful so far. I’d imagine the same would hold true if I was staying home full-time after my leave. For me, I think it would be easy to get so lost in taking care of the kids and the house that I never did anything for myself, and I think that’s when I would get overly stressed, anxious and, honestly, angry. So keeping these “commandments” for myself in mind is helping me be able to really enjoy maternity leave.

Becoming ‘Mama’ again

Becoming Mama for the first time was admittedly rough on me.

As time has passed, I’ve realized more and more how ridiculous the set of circumstances surrounding the birth of my first child were. Tough labor, a NICU stay, my illness, my dad’s death and the April 27 tornado that destroyed half of Tuscaloosa — all within the same month. It’s really not surprising that I developed postpartum depression and anxiety following all that, though of course chemical and hormonal issues played a role, too.

The second go-round has been drastically different, starting with the birth. No going past the due date this time; my water broke at 38 weeks and 2 days. I labored for several hours while hooked up to Pitocin before receiving an epidural — not the med-free birth I’d hoped for, but it was still empowering because I felt in control, as if the experience was really mine. I maintained a calmness and peace that wasn’t present during my first labor and delivery experience (heck, Bobby and I were having a mini dance party between contractions at one point thanks to Spotify on my phone), and I was certain of myself when I asked for the epidural.

I pushed for mere minutes before baby S was born. The doctor literally had called the nurse’s station to tell them I was about to start pushing and then had to call back to let them know he had arrived because they hadn’t come to my room yet to assist. He didn’t cry when he was born (the cord was actually wrapped around his neck), but he was completely alert. The doctor handed him to me immediately, whereas with N (my first child) they whisked him away quickly due to the amount of meconium and “breathing problems.” I pretty much felt an immediate bond with S thanks to this, whereas that was delayed with N. I cuddled him and rubbed in the vernix that was coating him, and we were able to attempt to nurse almost right away.

The postpartum experience has been different, too. I didn’t have any tearing or other complications from the birth, though I did almost pass out the night I had S because I got up and about too soon. I’ve felt some anxiety, but both Bobby and I have been more on top of managing it, and I started a low-dose anti-depressant pretty early as a precaution. The hormonal issues haven’t been as bad, either.

Another difference is that I was able to rely heavily on my mom for help. She came up for the birth and stayed several days, and I spent about 2.5 weeks at her house so she could help me through some of the toughest parts of the newborn phase. I can’t really describe how meaningful this was and how much I enjoyed being there. The transition back to being home has been tough because I don’t have that persistent help day and night, but it’s still very little like the first time.

Whereas last time I had such great anxiety that I literally couldn’t sleep, I am actually sleeping, at night and occasionally during the day. Last time, I felt incredible rage and desperation when N would cry, and it felt like he never stopped. Now it doesn’t panic me; I know I can deal with it and that, no matter what, it will stop eventually. Last time I wanted to run away, my depression made me want to leave N on the floor and escape. This time I actually enjoy holding S, most of the time. It was so frustrating loving our first baby, that we truly wanted and planned for, but not being able to back that up with my actions. Because I did love him, but I didn’t like him at all, and I was in over my head.

Things are far from perfect. Having a newborn is incredibly hard work. I’m not wishing time away, but I am looking forward to days of better sleep. We are right at six weeks, which I’ve read is when crying peaks, so every day has its challenges. But I don’t feel like I’m drowning.